Recently in Humor Category

Reading through this Hacker News thread, I came across dozens of great talks to check out in the future. So far I've watched two and I think they're worth sharing:

1. Wat: it's practically programming standup, poking fun at some of the "quirks" of Ruby and JavaScript. Plus it's four minutes long, shorter than an Ignite talk.
2. Inventing on Principle: this one's longer at 54 minutes but so incredibly inspiring. It's a talk about life in the guise of a reconception of human-computer interaction. After watching it, I immediately started following him on Twitter and checked out his amazing Web site.

If there are any awesome talks you'd like to share, I'm very interested and my email address is over in the right side bar.

I just got an email from Wells Fargo saying that my account was deactivated until I faxed some information to them. It was done to prevent any unauthorized transactions.

• First name
• Last name
• SSN
• Adress [sic]
• City
• Zipcode
• Phone number
• E-mail address
• Credit/debit card number (16 digits numbers of your card)
• Expiration Date
• Code Verification number(3 digits number of [sic] the back of your card)
• ATM PIN ( for bank customer verification)

I don't have a Wells Fargo account so I just sent them my bank's information. I hope they re-activate it soon as I need to buy gas this morning.

Hilarious. {via}

Jack Handey's What I'd Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats is easily the funniest book I've read in recent memory. If you're familiar with Deep Thoughts or Fuzzy Memories from Saturday Night Live, you may be surprised to learn that Jack Handey is an actual guy who writes like that normally.

You'll find this collection of essays, short stories, and sketches funny throughout if you like his particular style of humor, which I do. You'll appreciate the helpful asides in "My Nature Documentary":

Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focuses on yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.

Or the view of self presented in "How I Want to Be Remembered":

According to our scientists, with their electronic soul trackers, Jack is in Heaven now. And not just regular Heaven, which any jerk can get in to, but special secret Heaven that even some angels don't know about.

There's much to be learned about management from his essay on "The Respect of the Men":

You don't get the respect of the men right away. You can try, by getting down in the dirt and begging them for it, or by kissing their boots, or by doing your funny cowboy dance for them. But trust me, these are not going to work.

I especially liked the science-ish article on "The Animals Around Us":

Or consider even smaller animals, which live unnoticed among the hairs of our private regions. They are called crabs. No, don't worry, they aren't actual crabs. And they certainly aren't large enough to eat, unless you could somehow get thousands of them. But they are with us, year after year.

My favorite nugget is entitled "Attila the Hun's Greatest Speech," which is introduced as the source for many of the most famous orations in history and consists entirely of famous lines interspersed with motivational statements to the assembled Huns like "Caesar, tear down this wall! Or at least open the gates and we'll tear it down for you."

I could go on and on selecting bits from this short but hilarious work, but I'm pretty sure that I'd run afoul of copyright soon. I found myself guffawing on more than one occasion; if these quotes or his earlier work tickled your funny bone, I can't recommend this book highly enough.

I love it when I come across evidence of a sense of humor when reading technical documentation. I bet someone at Apple had a good time crafting this:

Listing 1  An hour and a half from now
NSDate *today = [NSDate date];
NSDateComponents *offsetComponents = [[NSDateComponents alloc] init];
[offsetComponents setHour:1];
[offsetComponents setMinutes:30];
// Calculate when, according to Tom Lehrer, World War III will end
NSDate *endOfWorldWar3 = [gregorian dateByAddingComponents:comps toDate:today options:0];

For those that don't get the reference, watch this video of him performing it. (My familiarity with the song was from countless Sunday nights listening to Doctor Demento on the radio.)

Over at Found on the Web, I've made my first April Fool's joke. As you might expect, it's Rick-Roll related.

Here's the Javascript I used:

<script type="text/javascript" language="javascript">
var links = document.getElementsByTagName("a");
for (var i=0; i < links.length; i++)
{
links[i].onclick = function()
{
location.href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0";return false;
};
}
</script>

It gets every hyperlink on the page, loops over them, and adds an onclick event handler that performs the redirect.

I just got an email from actress Jessica Alba:

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Mystic rev dr obviously.
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So, Allchin's retired now. It was probably just Vista that did him in, but you never know what lies in the hearts of men.

Brown's Theory of Multitudinous Object Cleanup: After cleaning up seemingly all of the objects, there will be one remaining unretrieved on the periphery of one's vision. And then one more after that.

Also known as my developing theory of Lego and puzzle cleanup.

My boss's boss issued a call for limericks around the theme of software engineers or engineering. Naturally, I was intrigued. Here are my entries thus far:

There once was a dev named Bud Tharpe
Who could crank out code like a harp
His language of choice was VB
But his friends mocked him you see
Because he just couldn't quite see sharp.

A wizened lead named O'Malley
Was checking the bug count, the tally
Evergrowing, it was
Scratching chin fuzz
He wondered if it was time for a rally.

A developer was hit by a bus
It caused an immediate fuss.
Did he check in?
His release was when?
All his base truly belong to us.

Are they any good? Well, they follow the form of a limerick and a couple of them have punch lines. Hey, it might get me a free lunch so they're good to me.

Scott Berkun, he of inestimable software project management wisdom, offered up an idea that I think is absolutely wonderful: personal holidays. As of the time of this writing, he hasn't listed all of the ones he came up with but they were along the lines of "funny hat day" and "do something you've never done" day. Such things would certainly break up the monotony that ordinarily pervades adult life.

I'm going to have to think about possible holidays a bit more, but I think it would work even better for family (or couple) holidays where a whole family could participate. I'll update this entry with my brainstormed ideas once I do it.

[UPDATE (1/18/2006): January 18th will forever be January Fools Day. Thanks, Chris!]

I love Dilbert and I always have. I am continually amazed at how well Scott Adams depicts office culture despite being so long removed from it. Perhaps his experiences at Pacific Bell were timeless or jam-packed, but it seems like he would start missing marks after 16 years of doing the strip.

I discovered his personal blog, Dilbert Blog, soon after he started writing it and I regard it as the funniest reading available on the Web. His observations are astute and astounding. Just today, for example, I read his entry on "The Future of Shirts" and came across this thought:

I can no longer count on other people to alert me to the fact I’m wearing a backward shirt. Not since I became invisible. And by invisible, I mean I’m an adult male over the age of 35. Beyond that age, no one has any reason to look at you. People are neither aroused nor curious about my existence. I’m pretty much just taking up space.

These are a few of my favorite entries:

• Mysteries of the Universe: wherein he ponders why female real estate agents have such big hair
• Adopting: wherein he considers adopting an embryo and naming it Amy
• You Look Fabulous: wherein he relates the secret of fashion
• Intelligence is Overrated: wherein he offers an alternate view of God
• It's the Thought That Counts: wherein he analyzes gift giving
• How to Dance: wherein he relates the secret of dancing
• Humor Formula: wherein he divulges the secret to his success
• Best and Worst Jobs: wherein he waxes eloquently about being the third-highest ranking member in Al Qaeda
• Thieves Everywhere: wherein he just cracks wise
• Bluffing Literacy: wherein he devises strategies for staying illiterate
• Peeping in My Window: wherein he reveals the degradation of his modesty
• Mongolia: wherein he ruminates on a presidential visit to Mongolia
• Getting Away with Murder: wherein he opines on an escaped murderer
• I Love Technology: wherein he complains about travelling
• Bad Thoughts: wherein he concocts the perfect crime

We are a web development firm seeking a freelance Cold Fusion/SQL programmer for multiple projects and one in particular RIGHT NOW. It's a VERY tough project requiring an exceptional individual who can jump in and finish it up. (If you can also work in PHP/MySQL --- and of course, you do a good job on this one -- we will have multiple other projects for you when this one is finished. If you only know Cold Fusion, we will have *some* ongoing work for you.)

We will ONLY work with programmers in the USA. We are not interested in firms that represent programmers. We only wish to hear from individual programmers who will be writing our code. If you are not a programmer yourself, please DO NOT RESPOND. If you do not have at least 35 hours of availability per week, please do not respond. All responses that do not fit the above criteria will be deleted immediately. Canned responses that do not address our concerns will also be deleted without response. Please don't send one! We have one immediate project which needs to be completed. It requires a dedicated individual with approximately 40 hours of work availability per week for the next 2-3 weeks. We will disclose more specific details of the project after hearing from you and having you sign an NDA. We have many more projects behind this one.

If you're interested, please read EVERYTHING below. This is not a joke (but it may well make you laugh or cry).

Please ONLY respond if you:

1. Have RECENT experience with Cold Fusion & SQL Server (NOTE: 3 years ago is NOT recent).

2. Are available to work at least 35 hours per week RIGHT NOW (NOTE: 20-25 is not equal to 35).

3. Are willing and able to speak on the telephone during business hours, return calls, and you're able to communicate well in English. You must also have a telephone number at which we can reach you and not by appointment only. If you object at all to speaking on the phone, please do NOT respond. If you tell us later that you don't like to talk on the phone or prefer email, you'll be immediately taken off the job.

4. Are the type of person who calls the project manager if you don't understand something in the spec. Making assumptions and doing things your way is NOT acceptable.

5. Understand that a deadline is a deadline and must be met. Missing any deadline without our prior approval means that the project will be reassigned.

6. Are familiar with working on sites hosted on web servers of hosting companies AND understand what FTP is. If you're a programmer and you don't know what FTP is, we really don't want to hear from you. Also, if you don't know where to find files on a web server, you don't have the experience we're looking for. Files are not always in the root!

7. Have a developmental server and computer set up that you can use to work on and the necessary tools to complete the job. You must be ready to start work. NOTE: If you do not have these tools and are willing to work onsite here where we do have the tools, you may still respond.

8. Are willing to work initially for a short time with no money upfront realizing that you will only be paid some money when we see some work done. (We are willing to pay incrementally when we see an area of the project completed and we've tested it to ensure it works. In certain instances, we're willing to allow you to show us work on your server if you are nervous about payment. While we can't pay for any entire element while we're viewing it on your server (unless you give us FTP and database access), we'll be glad to make a partial payment once we see that portion working properly and then pay the balance when you move it to our server. We've been burned too many times. We realize you may also have been burned but we do want an ongoing relationship with you. We're a business and we'll sign a contract with you ensuring payment.) If you write code that doesn't work properly, we can't pay for it. You are welcome to take it with you as it's of no use to us and we don't want it.

PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND IF:

1. Any military body you were in erased any part of your memory which now prevents you from remembering the spec (even if you just read it 2 seconds ago) or when the deadline falls.

2. You are egotistical, rude, argumentative and/or aggressive -- particularly to women. Please go do that somewhere else.

3. You are a nervous wreck on the verge of a breakdown because: (a) your marriage is on the verge of falling apart and you're emotionally unstable as a result; (b) your child(ren) scream(s) 23.9 hours a day which makes it too hard for you to work; (c) your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like you freelancing and/or demands that you take care of the baby for 12 hours a day and you think you can do our work before 6 a.m. and after 11 p.m. and still stay awake and conscious and not give us complete and utter junk -- you can't; or (d) any other reason not mentioned. If you need constant handholding and compassion from us in order to avoid having a complete nervous breakdown which you're always on the verge of, we can't help you, sorry. We can't be your marriage counselor, psychotherapist or your confidante. If you need any of the above, please find them elsewhere.

4. More than 2 projects at a time puts you over the edge with stress about getting them done; whereas less than 2 projects at a time also puts you over the edge with financial worries. We have many projects and we need a person who can multi-task. If you can't, don't respond.

5. You're the type of person who uses profanity or inappropriate material in naming your variables or in your testing. "Got really drunk last night" is not appropriate in a business environment. Naming variables after sexual organs is also not appropriate.

6. You believe in abandoning projects BEFORE they are finished or missing deadlines you set for those projects. (Even if you are the greatest programmer on earth, we're not paying you if the job isn't finished and finished ON TIME. It's worth nothing to us otherwise.) If you frequently use excuses for missing deadlines, PLEASE do not respond. We are really not interested in hearing that you need another 2 weeks to complete our 2 week project because: your mother died three times in a year (unless you really do have three mothers -- and next time we hear that, we'll ask for proof!); your unexpected house closing prevents you from working (the closing is NEVER THAT unexpected, we've bought houses); you have to go to a wedding at the last minute in another state; you suddenly have to move out of the area; you have unexpected friends from out of town that you need to socialize with; you forgot the deadline and thought you said 20 weeks for the project instead of 2 weeks; you did too many drugs in the 70s/80s/90s and can't think straight anymore; you thought the deadline was just made up to make you work harder; you had 'top secret' classification in the military and they erased your memory when you got out and you can't remember everything you used to be able to; you hired your buddy to do part of the work and he let you down and didn't do it; you found out you're losing another job and feel depressed about it so you can't work; your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like you working so much and needs to hold your hand while you watch TV for four hours a day so you can't meet the deadline; your pet tarantula died and you're too depressed to work; you're hung over; your sister's mother's aunt's niece's daughter got picked up by the cops and you need to disappear for 2 weeks; your internet connection died but you're still able to send ridiculously long emails explaining what happened -- you're just not able to do any work for the next week; you can't connect to the database anymore because the hosting company upgraded to a different version and you don't want to download the trial version upgrade because big brother could be watching you; your laptop crashed and even though you have 6 other machines on hand, you'd prefer to rebuild your laptop for the next month than to do the work that we're paying you for; you forgot that your friends were going to have 3 beach picnics and 4 parties when you said you'd do the work and you completely forgot your aunt's 61st birthday, your best buddy's kegger and your husband/wife's family reunion picnic, and you'd prefer to attend those than get the work done.) etc., etc., etc.

We've already heard all the most outrageous excuses and we're REALLY NOT interested in hearing any others.

6. You are a prima donna programmer who thinks that you can do the work your own way, deviating from the specs, and that we should find it acceptable. We won't. There is ONLY one spec: OURS. Not the one that exists in your head. Not the one you think it should be. Just the spec you were sent. If you don't want to work on that spec as we've written it, then tell us that upfront. But don't deliver something else. That's not what you were hired for. It may be absolutely brilliant, but it isn't what the customer asked for so it's useless to us and we cannot pay you for it. If you don't understand something in the specs provided to you, don't ever ASSUME. Call. If you think something is stupid, CALL. If we say do it anyway, do it. We know the client. We've been over all the "stupid" things with the client.

7. You are not able to comment and document the work you complete.

8. You believe in bidding on a job for one price and then decide later on that you want more money to finish the work that you bid on in the first place or you think that doing the job is one price, actually making the work live, is another??? PLEASE NOTE: If the specs change, we expect you to want more money. If they don't change, we WON'T pay you more to do the work you bid on. If you underbid the job because you didn't read the specs, whose fault is that? It's not ours.

9. You do not understand that in order to bid on a job that requires modifying work that already exists, you need to FIRST take a run through the front end of that project and review any existing code. It is not acceptable to later on say that you didn't realize there were other pages that this needed to work with because you didn't go through all 3 pages of the project before you bid!!! Nor is it acceptable to say you missed the deadline because it took you longer than expected to review the existing code or there was a learning curve with the existing code. Reviewing the existing code before you bid, solves this problem. I don't care if you were a DBA for 100 years, no one is so brilliant that they don't need to review the existing code!

10. If we have a tense moment or we say that we don't like the way you did some work and that it's not absolutely perfect and you're not the greatest programmer God ever put upon the earth and/or, we don't constantly stroke your ego and reassure you that you're wonderful every 5 minutes, you go off and sulk like a baby and when we try to call you to discuss it, you let the answering machine get it, listen to our message and then respond seconds later with a nasty mean email. Be a grown up, pick up the phone and talk about it.

11. You're incapable of doing preliminary testing. If an element of a project contains a link to add an item, a link to modify an item and a link to delete an item, then all 3 of those should work BEFORE you say it's done. If there is an image to be uploaded in one of those links, test it. Don't say later that it works as long as the image isn't modified! That's one of the features of the project! It's not done until it works!

12. You don't understand that a deadline is a deadline. You set the deadline. If you miss it and tell us on the day the work is due, the work is useless to us. No excuse covers that. NONE. If the spec consists of 5 areas and you deliver 3 of those by the deadline, the work is NOT complete by the deadline. Making excuses about how well you've done the 3 areas and that you were going to complete the other 2 areas within the next few days is not good enough. You set the deadline. Deliver the work on or before the deadline. ALL the work, not some of it.

Sadly, ALL of the above situations and examples have happened with other developers we've subcontracted work to during the last 6.5 years. We're looking for someone who is serious and wants to make some money working with us. We've got so much work that we're turning away projects right now because we don't have the right people working with us. We don't want to treat you like a kid and certainly don't want to be your mother or father. Are you a grown up? Can you communicate normally and talk on the phone? Do you want to make some money in return for work? Can you meet deadlines you set? If you are solid and reliable, with verifiable references (your best buddy from high school, your cousin or your girlfriend are not acceptable references), and are looking to form an ongoing relationship with a web development firm and make serious money working for us over a long period of time, we'd like to speak with you. We will provide more details as soon as we speak with you.

Otherwise, if this isn't right for you, we totally understand and wish you all the luck in the world.

If you're interested, please email: jobs@evolvedsites.com and include your telephone number so that we may contact you. We promise to respond personally to each and every person who submits a serious response, whether chosen or not.

Thank you very much for reading. Please do not send rude responses. We've already had enough of those.

• Heinz Factory Explosion Looks Worse Than It Is
• Michael Moore Kicking Self For Not Filming Last 600 Trips To McDonald's

OMG: "I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously"