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Bill Brown

A complicated man.

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A couple of weeks ago I was feeding my dogs like I do every morning and I thought of an idea. Dog Chow contains everything a dog needs nutritionally. It costs $14.99 for a 55-pound bag. Purina should make something like it for people and call it Man Chow or People Chow—the latter is probably closer to Puppy Chow and rolls off the tongue (“Purina People Chow”).

I’m sure science could come up with a nugget-based pellet that gives humans everything they need. I’m also sure that the needs of people aren’t drastically different from dogs and cats. A large bag of it might end up costing $20 because of the necessary vitamins, but that’s still a good price point. You might also need to eat it in milk to get additional nutrients, but that would be optional.

What about taste, you ask? Isn’t taste a multi-billion dollar industry? That is a very good point because people like variety. Ahh, but what if people don’t really like the variety? If you watch any science-fiction movie set in the future, inevitably the food they eat is of the pellet, globule, or goo type and the people eat it with gusto. At some point, we’ve got to get away from appearances in our food and attack the problem from a strictly nutritional standpoint. I, for one, am sick of having to pick meals from an infinite slate of options each and every day. I suppose that the food could come in different flavors, a sop to tradition.

That price point would also fit in with the needs of the underdeveloped, starving Third World. For them, the People Chow would be infinitely better than dropping dead from hunger. Obviously, that’s a huge market right there.

If you (or Purina) want to use this idea, knock yourself out. I don’t expect royalties, disclaim any ownership, and forego any rights. I would be the first customer, so be sure to let me know about it though.

If you think this is weird, check your premises. Why would the value of cheap, healthy food necessarily outweigh or supplant the gustatory pleasures of gourmet? The two could co-exist. Think outside the box, Johnson.